i did it.
i have made it over another mountain. gawd i almost feel like i need to play that silly miley cyrus song, “the climb,”. don’t worry, i won’t, but you click that link you will be tortured. [one of her better songs… or her innocent, whatever you feel like leaning to.
ANYWAYS: sometimes, you need to just be hit on the head. isn’t that right, Rafiki?
totally had a “lion king” moment the other day. yes, i am that much of a disney fiend that i found a way without even trying to, and it fell into my lap. trust me, it wasn’t really what i wanted either. Simba definitely was NOT pleased. i had a friend inviting me to an art show for her boyfriend and i was about to jump in to go without question, when she let me know that my ex MIGHT show up no commitments, just that it could happen. i really appreciated that – isn’t that what friends are for? i was about to say no, i’m not about to deal with any possible conflict between us. then it hit me: am i really going to do this until/for the rest of my life or it “settles down”? [i was still hearing from another friend she occasionally was trying to get me to talk or meet up or connect in some fucking way or another. i didn’t want the conflict. i’ll deal with it, but i didn’t want to have to. i mean, come on. she was occasionally trying to drag this on after four months later. i wanted to be done and gone and move on and focus on the someone i had in front of me that made me make my decision, my lion king moment: i was no longer going to run from the past, i wasn’t not going to show up to said art show because she possibly was going to show up, hell, i was going to go. i wanted to. so i said yes. i brought my boyfriend. i told him she might come, and i had no idea what could or would happen, and he took my hand and said “okay, i am here for you,” like it was any other day. i’ve never had someone do that before….
so we went.
oh and so did she.
i think my heart stopped for a split second, but what did i think would happen? we made eye contact, and she stayed far away. i held hands with a boyfriend who would do anything for me and we had been together for a mere few months. that meant so much and i cannot tell him how much it felt/mean to me. we stood and looked at one side of the art for a long time [it probably was only ten minutes, literally, but it felt like an hour], and then i finally braved it to go into the room she was RIGHT next to…. by the time we had been in there for 5 minutes… she left, and that was that.
i hate caring for someone. you feel it deep in your heart, in the roots – because it never changes. i want it gone, i want to focus, on the person in front of me. it’s time to let go. time to release the pain officially, and move on. the past is in the past. you can either run from it, or learn from it.
but it’s time to choose.
i climbed my mountain yesterday – it may look like a small hurdle, but damn it was a motherfucking mountain and i am proud.